The other day, I was watching TV like I always do when I start to gain faith in humanity and need something to remind me that I'm the only badass on this planet anymore. I stopped dead on a familiar show. I'm sure you've seen her show, read her magazine, had her autograph one of her books for you, and every other form of media she took over. I talk, of course, of Oprah.
On that day's fine edition, Oprah was going to be crucified on live television while an overweight dipshit who failed in every diet she tried licked her ass and Al Sharpton read a passage from her newest book, The Oprahnomicon. I hate Oprah with a vengeance, and upon seeing this abomination of a TV show, I said no!
Using my super ogre powers given to me by a Protoman impersonator at a Cannibal Corpse concert, I leaped through my TV, and appeared at Oprah's show. With my badass sword in hand, I killed every lame ass panzy in the audience, and none of them could fight back, even with the ninja stars Oprah left them under their seats. Al Sharpton tried to combat me with black supremacy propoganda, left wing politics, and when none of that worked, he offered me ten bucks.
After taking his money and slaughtering him anyway, Oprah grabbed me by my wrists, and began chanting a satanic mantra of sorts. I then noticed that we had magically left her studio, and appeared within the firey bowels of hell! I noticed because a couple of my friends were there and they waved.
Oprah mutated into some sort of three headed wolf woman that breathed fire, but I had none of that shit. We exchanged blows for what felt like an eternity, a synphony of fire, brimstone, satanic laughter, and a Slayer album all going on in the background.
Eventually, I won the battle, cutting the beast to shreds, and hitching a ride with the fifth reincarnation of the antichrist. Ironically, the fifth incarnation looked suspiciously like Bill Clinton, but that's a story for a different day.
since then, the world became a slightly better place. Unfortunately, I'm still trying to find Jerry Springer, so I hope liberating the gullible from Oprah's curse will do for now.
pitchblack@shinzo.zzn.com
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