Our Next Savior has been revealed!

I don't know when it dawned on me exactly, but I do recall contemplating religion, the meaning of life, and whether or not god exists. I was also playing Mortal Kombat at the time. That may sound like a joke at first, but when I looked at the selection screen and hit a certain character, I began to think. I thought very hardly, and it was then that the truth about the second coming of Christ was revealed.

Many people expect Jesus to return to Earth the same way he left. IE, long haired, bearded, wearing robes, Aramaic, and with nails in his wrists from pulling himself off the cross, walking across a river, and telling a couple fisherman, "Yo bitches, tell those assholes to worship me or I'll have my dad throw fireballs on you!". Okay, maybe that last one was more of MY expectation, but still, you and I both are wrong. For it was then that I knew that Jesus had, in fact, reincarnated himself. And here, ladies and gentlemen, is the body he has chosen to inhabbit for his second coming.

That's right, I'm talking about none other than Johny Cage. This man will save you all from your sins, not that piss ant Bruce Lee wannabe Liu Kang.

Think about it. Jesus saves humanity from evil by forgiving them for their sins. Johny Cage saves us from evil by uppercutting the heads off of demons and really evil dudes. Jesus entertained the masses by doing magic tricks. His most notable being turning water to wine. Johny Cage entertains the masses by featuring himself as a character in video games. Originally, I enjoyed beating the shit out of him, but now that I realized this, I feel a little guilty. Then I remember Johny will forgive me for my sins, so it doesn't bother me anymore.

Johny and Jesus have a lot more in common. They both died to save our world from evil. Both came back to life to continue the fight for evil (though Johny stayed longer). Their initials are JC! What more evidence do you skeptacle fucks want!?

It's all the evidence I need, and as of today, I'm officially throwing away all forms of logic, philosophy that makes sense, and denying that humanity evolved from apes. In turn, I am devoting my entire life to following the teachings and principles of Cageianity. Most of which include wearing kickass sunglasses twenty-four seven, uppercutting the heads of infidels clean off, and hitting people below the belt simply because it's funny. INCLUDING WOMEN! I got to say, when low blows work on women, you MUST be on the side of god. Or the programmers were too lazy to incorporate common sense.