Jesus buttfucking Christ, I wish I could get a computer that doesn't have some sort of malfunction. On a related note, I officially wish my current computer would just get hit by a truck or something, because this thing pisses me off.
I had gotten a new computer around early February I believe, and I was really looking forward to it. The guy who was giving it away had told me all about it over the phone. He bragged about how it had Firefox, a P2P program, a fairly up to date operating system... Compared to my old junk ass computer, all it needed was a beer tap, and it'd be the computer of the gods! Then I actually got the thing, and found out the truth.
Oh sure, it was all there. However, he forgot to mention to me that he was a retarded dumbfuck who didn't even seem to know what spyware even was. As a result, his computer is slow as fuck, decides to lock up regularly, and half the time, doesn't even connect to the internet! I almost miss my shitty COMPAQ computer that crashed every three or four hours in comparison to this mind numbingly slow hunk of junk.
Then it happened. The more I used this god awful computer, the more pissed I got. The more pissed I got, the more I fantacized about smashing the damn thing. And then the dreams started. Brutal dreams. Evil dreams. Dreams that were so brutal, so gorey, so capable of making the worst of Mortal Kombat look like fucking Hello Kitty in comparison, that if I dared to repeat them here, you would go blind, deaf, dumb (possibly dumber), and frankly, such descriptions could make cause the manliest of men litterally run home to their mammas crying like little bitches.
Eventually, I could take no more. I unplugged all my plugs from the tower, walked over to the emo next door, and hit him so hard, I swear I saw his head pop out of his kroch! He didn't do a damn thing to piss me off that day, but emo kids piss me the fuck off by default, so I had no problem wailing on him with something that amplified my anger. Long story short, I need a new computer, and the world is praising me because there's officially one less emo bitch to ruin everything for us.
"Then how the hell did you update your page?"
Elementary dear Watson.
"My name is Jen..."
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR FUCKING NAME IS!
As I was saying, I had a backup of my FTP program downloaded into my brain, so I merely dreamed up this article, and mentally uploaded it to my site. Of course I can do that. How? I'll tell you how. Shut up, that's how. Ha! PWNAGE!
What the hell was I talking about again? Ah fuck it, I'm bored. I think I'll go listen to some more Psychostick. Psychostick is fucking badass.
pitchblack@shinzo.zzn.com
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